On Sunday, May 27, the 24th Annual Key Bank Vermont City Marathon will transform Burlington into a festive site! Women Helping Battered Women has teams participating to raise critical funds for our services. Please help our Women Helping Battered Women Relay Teams raise funds (information about team fundraising pages is listed below). As always, we appreciate your support!

To make a general donation and for more information about the Miles for a Mission program, please visit: http://www.vermontcitymarathon.org/page.php?pid=28&pname=miles_for_a_mission

Here are the First Giving fundraising pages for our runners:

Team ESTEEM! www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/TheEsteem/BurlingtonMarathon

WHBW TEAM pages:

http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/runforit/milesformission

http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/jennifer-sprague/whbw

Hello!
Purchase a brownie product from Vermont Brownie Company between February 1-14, 2012, and 5% after taxes will be donated to Women Helping Battered Women! This is a sweet cause!
Visit Vermont Brownie’s site for more: http://www.vermontbrowniecompany.com/

Hey all!
Please visit Uno Chicago Grill the Wednesday, February 29,  at 1330 Shelburne Road, South Burlington, VT and the proceeds from your bill will be donated to WHBW!! Please be sure to specify that you would like proceeds donated to Women Helping Battered Women. Please print the attached coupon to place in your bill when you finish your meal, or take one from the restaraunt. For more info, please call: (802) 865-4000
THANK YOU!!
WHBW (2)

http://uno.know-where.com/pizzeria/cgi/selection?mapid=US&lang=en&design=default&country=&region_name=&region=&place=05403&x=0&y=0&mapx=&mapy=

Hello friends,
The WHBW Newsletter “The Link” is now available here for online perusing. Please click the links below to read all about what is happening at WHBW. Thank you!
Fall 2011: WHBW News
Winter 2011-12: WHBW News WINTER 2011-2012

Click the link below to watch the news story:
http://www.wcax.com/global/video/flash/popupplayer.asp?clipId1=6527015&flvUri=&partnerclipid=&at1=News&vt1=v&h1=Domestic%20violence%20closely%20linked%20to%20homicide%20rate&d1=198666&redirUrl=&activePane=info&LaunchPageAdTag=homepage&clipFormat=flv&rnd=89853129

WHBW is seeking donations of blank journals and diaries for our service users. Anyone who is interested in donating, please contact joanneb@whbw.org or tarap@whbw.org.
As always, we appreciate your kind generosity!

**Special Volunteer Opportunity for December**
Are you good with the public and like to interact with people? We are looking for volunteers to represent WHBW at our table at Healthy Living for general donation collection and sales of holiday wreaths (portion of proceeds of wreath sales benefit WHBW). The times we need to fill are listed below:

12/10 1pm – 1pm >1 person
12/15 11am – 1pm >1 person
12/15 1pm – 3pm >2 people
12/17 1pm – 3pm >2 people
If you are interested or can help, please send an email to volunteer@whbw.org. Thank you!

As was listed earlier in the month on our blog, the DVAM Photo Installation just finished its tour stop at Champlain College! The life-size photo collection was displayed at the Tower Room off of the IDX Student Center on November 17 and 18. The photos below are somewhat difficult to see as the reflection from the Tower Room windows was strong–however, this window faces a courtyard where students walk daily to and from classes and the IDX Student Center, and it had strong visibility for passers-by.

Thank you Champlain College for this wonderful opportunity to involve the Champlain College community and youth in DVAM awareness!

DVAM Feature Event 2011 | Participant Stories…in their own words.

These are the stories of those who chose to be photographed for WHBW’s 2011 DVAM Photo Installation Launch Event. Some of the stories contain graphic content, but they are real. We have not edited these stories. They are the voices of survivors. They are the voices of those who have witnessed domestic violence or advocated for victims of domestic violence. And, now their voices are being heard.

My Own True Hunger
“Much of my life was spent searching for validation. I married a man who was impossible to please. In my marriage, I got no respect. I turned to the church for a stable center in my turbulent life, becoming one of those ladies who do “good works.” Chairing little committees, helping out in little ways, I got some of the acknowledgement I craved. But under it all lay the unspoken fact that I was in an abusive relationship. Everything I did was seen through that warped lens, rather than being taken on its own merits.

“Even with my few true friends, to whom I bared my soul, the “situation” in my home became a stumbling block. I wasn’t just Ellen, I was ‘poor Ellen, whose husband is so violent,” so that all the things I accomplished were done “in spite” of my not-so-secret hell at home.

“After many years, I finally reached the breaking point. One spring day, I packed my most precious possessions and left. The feeling I had, looking back at hell through my rear view mirror for the very last time, is indescribable. I could literally feel my soul unfurling wings like a butterfly, stiff from too long in its cocoon.

“Now, freed of the straitjacket that confined me for so long, I feel my arms lift spontaneously in praise, my voice break out unafraid in song. The church is still my second home, but now I also have a home of my own, one to which I am glad to return, instead of dreading it. When I do the things I do, I am coming from a place of peace. I feel power flowing through me unfettered, wonderfully free. And now, when I look in people’s eyes, I know they take me for who I am: happy, confident, serene: just me.

“It’s never too late to take back your own life | Free at last! For me, life began at sixty | I am more than a survivor; I am a conqueror.”

One survivor chose to quote the great Maya Angelou and her poem Still I Rise .
“You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I’ll rise.”

“It’s not anything near being able to handle, it’s terrible, sad and very scary. My name is Michael and I know all these things. My father is an abusive drinker which causes him to be an abusive “husband” and father. He’s shown abuse to me through my mother. I hate to see that. He’s also shown abuse to me directly. As a twelve year old boy I may have not seen the full affect of Domestic abuse, and I’m thankful for it but I’m hopeful for those who have, I also want to help them. Some of that help is in this writing. If there is anyone who is being abused, I know what it’s like, so come take my hand and we’ll get you through this. This is for those who feel like they don’t have the power to do anything. If I can do it then I have faith you can too.”

Hello! My Name is Bess Robertson
“I believe in Higher Power…God himself
When people looked at my family, they saw a picture perfect one. What they didn’t know were the deep dark secrets of what happened behind closed doors.

“Mental Abuse Both my mother and my soon to be ex-husbands mother went thought what I am surviving. Love is powerful until Love is Wisdom.

“Domestic Abuse is so blinded. That’s because all abuse is not visible.

“Mental Abuse
I didn’t walk around with bruises on me. That’s because the bruises I carried were deep down inside of me. All through my body. 2 Rotator Cuff Repairs, Foot Surgery, Torn Meniscus, Carpel Tunnel in both hands, Spine Injury and last but not least A Massive Heart Attack that has and will forever change my life.

“I Thank God
I am Happy and Blessed to be Alive. This is dedicated for those who have suffered, died or suffered and survived. I did a lot of things in my marriage that if I had not been Mentally Abused and Still Mentally Abused, I would not have done them. But one thing for sure is, I took care of my ex-husband, Children, Nieces, Nephews, other peoples Children, my home inside and out. As he went to work 8 hours and coached Basketball and Refereed during the season. Never sharing household responsibilities, unless it was [what] he wanted. I would have never imagine that my life is where it is today, moving forward By the Man who never left me. My God.

“Moving forward will always be a struggle but it can and will be done by the Grace of God.
Thank you for listening and Reading and I hope this gives some comfort to those who heard this or read it.
I have a Heart of Gold and I hope to one day be able to forgive him for what he has done to his family not just Me.”

Teen Statement
“I feel scared
Degraded.
Less of a person.
I can’t escape, just trapped.
I can’t let this out.
Where do I go?
Friends.
They are my necessity in life.
They are my key, yet they can unlock
Everything.
Tell.
Hear.
Whisper.”

“I’m done telling the details of my story. There is so much to tell. It takes me back to a place of such sadness and powerlessness and I do not want to go there anymore. I just have a few thoughts to share. There are not a lot of words here, but listen up. This is truly the voice of someone who knows stalking from the inside out and I will not be satisfied until I see change.

Stalking and the law. Well, let’s just say that the law does not determine when a stalker stops; the stalker does.

Make no mistake. Stalking is psychological warfare.

In stalking you have two choices, you can succumb to what your stalker wants or you can lose your life fighting it.

I do not know what bothers me more: the freedom I lost or how much room there is for improvement with services for stalking victims.

I wish I could find a softer voice with this, but I just cannot. I refuse to whisper about this.”

~Darrell, stalking survivor, advocate and activist

The storm blew through and I’m still here
“Rain is more to me than merely clouds and the weather. It used to be that the rain was the illusion that kept others from knowing that I had been crying. Today the rain serves to wash away all the old thoughts, bad memories and cleanses my soul of all the fears and hurt that once harbored my heart. Thunder, however still reminds me of the echoes of threats and harsh words. No one can know unless they have been there and through the storm.

“How many times have you heard “How dare you come in here and talk to me that way, you have lost your mind it’s plain to see. No one will put up with your crap. You make me sick. You talk about leaving, but you always stay, cuz you know you belong to me. No one will love you in every way, the way I know you love me. You should be thankful that I let you stay, without my love where would you be? Nobody’s better than me and you will alone forever when I set you free. I can’t believe you’re leaving me this way, who is that guy who thinks he’s better than me? You are crazy. No one will believe you.” You made plans for leaving more than once, but you believe him when he says “If you walk out the door you won’t see your kids anymore.”

“I know you’re wondering if this is your fault and if somehow you are to blame. Like every storm, the aftermath shows that of pretty flowers and sundhine, with that comes: apologies, I love you, it won’t happen again…He may sound sincere but in the end he is only telling you the things you want to hear. He won’t change, he has lived his life this way. There is rarely ever changing a man who thinks he has the right to use their hands instead of saying the words to he feels to end a fight. You say that you think that you might be going crazy and you’re feeling out of sorts. Please know what he is doing isn’t the way to treat a lady, and I know how much it hurts.

“As you step out and shut the door behind you, entering the sunshine, everything will remind of you of last night. The screaming, cursing and beatings. The sting of tears and sun on your face. What is worse is that you think you need him to be al right. Back in the hallway, I saw your bruises, on your cheek and arms. Makeup covers the bruises and the force he uses to get his way, but the scars of the heart cannot be concealed..You are caught up this pattern you cannot seem to break. He always wants to be the winner. Sadly, in this game everyone loses.

“I know all too well the emptiness. He’s taken all the things that made you feel alive. The girl with so many plans and so many dreams. Don’t let him take you away from a life that matters, make you believe your faith is shattered so he can step in and take all the pieces of your life again. You never think it will be you…then when it is…you scream so silent but so loudly cause you love them…and one day he pushes one last time…you leave…I know that girl was me. Would you believe all I’ve been through? Had the hands of tempted faith. If you only knew what it cost, what I got, what I gave, what I paid. There were times I was sure I was drowning with darkness all around me. People who tried to reach me. I kept sinking no matter how they loved me. I needed to do this for me. I was on a dark storm cloud with nowhere to fall down.

“So, where do you go from here? Take a little advice from a mother of five daughters who left with nothing but my life. I got tired of living a mistake. “The freedom you find leaving, is the start of your believing.” I looked over at him with tears streaming down my face and said “I’m leaving you for me. Nobody’s better than me. You should be thankful I let you stay, without my love where will you be? You’ll be alone forever now that I’ve set you free. No one will love you better than me. Good luck good bye.” Moving on and now I’m free.

“I am a survivor and living in abuse was my strongest weakness. I got tired o my own hand and reached inside and saved myself. Step out, shut the door behind you and leave behind everything that reminds you of last night. You are alive. This time you can survive. Suffer no more unforgiven loss. The storm has blown through, and it kept you and saved you. Remember to say: “I’m ok, I’m alright after all hurricanes and train wrecks last only one night.”

Whatcha Goin’ Do About It, Loverboy?

“I’ve left you to yourself
filling the hole with your penis and smoke
the stench of tears dropped in robbed fluids
suffocating the air
mold and the dead skin of lives gone by,
caked under your uncut fingernails

“I’ve put you with your idols
where fresh white-meat is a delicacy
unfiltered sunlight is a luxury
coated in my color and
cold metal is touched every day
You don’t stack up, do you?
you 5’5” white know-it-all
even those you wish you were,
hate you

“Wait…
I’m wrong, you always did take credit
for my successes,
congratulations, you’ve done all of this,
not me

“You knew the consequences for your actions…
isn’t that what you used to say?

“You dug the hole I climbed out of
You put yourself behind them bars

“Running your mouth and not
actin’ as you should in public…
do I have it right? Isn’t that how it went?
You tell me…

“Embarrassing me in front unimportant people,
Taking family out of the equation
am I still on track?

“Unfortunately, you were right
I will never escape you
I will never get away from you
you will always be with me

“Ecstatic at yourself for your success
in making an imprint in this world
even if it is just one person and
her one family and any future
glimpses of hope in her whole life.

“As you gloat back the pain of being
afraid to look behind you
to see the face of the one
you used to mock so viciously
as they do to you
as you have done before

“Like you used to say
“little ditty about Hannah and Dan
two American kids growin’ up
in the heartland”

“Did you even listen to the lyrics?
“life goes on long after the thrill of livin’ is gone”

“They do fit us oh so well especially now, since I have gone

“Didn’t expect it anymore did you?
Or did you just give up? As it said
“Changes comin’ around real soon
make us women and men”

“Don’t look away I’ll grow up on you
your best James Dean isn’t good enough anymore

“You had me hold on to sixteen a long as you could
while I was made a woman with you: still a boy

“Your dreams of the “all American” life
where I was bruised and violated
your imaginary children…god help them,
all gone!

“You dare to try this again…
You dare to start a new life?

“What were you thinking…
Not knowing that I would still exist?

“Don’t look behind you
you might actually see
as I watch as you fall on your face
again…

“Don’t think I won’t be there to watch
as every step of your return
to this world is shot down
I’ll make sure you can’t leave…
right or did I say it wrong?

“The irony of you being wrong,
as you always were,
for the thing you said the most

“I don’t have to listen to you
or do as you say
and no, I won’t suffer the consequences,
or maybe just not yours.”

I used to live in another part of Vermont…

“I had a job that I loved and worked so hard to achieve.. It was my dream job when I graduated from college, after all my years of hard work as a full-time student, full-time employee and full-time single parent…

“My girls had a school they felt connected to…with teachers who knew them…friends who loved and supported them…and they had every reason to expect to be there until they graduated. After all our moves during their childhood…I had made a commitment to them that they would not have to start another school again… They deserved that sense of stability…

“I had friends…some close like siblings…some we socialized with as a family…some I saw only when I went out…some that I thought were friends until I really needed them and realized they weren’t what I had believed them to be… But regardless of their status in my world of friendships…they were MY friends…

“We had a home…it wasn’t the nicest or best place to live…but it was a rent I could afford and we knew what to expect from our neighborhood…we knew the people around us…and I could trust there was always someone there for the kids, if they needed someone when I wasn’t there…

“I had family that lived within a reasonable distance…and if I REALLY got stuck, there was usually someone who could come down and help us out… We weren’t a particularly close family…but we were able to see one another fairly frequently without too much driving…

“More than anyone else, I had my mom…not far away and always the second parent for my girls… They had NEVER had a father, but they always had gramma… If she wasn’t at our house everyday, she was calling, to talk to someone…at the time, it seemed a little annoying…grateful she was there to help…but wishing I could be a little more independent sometimes…

“Life was primarily work, school, kids, family…it was a quiet, simple little life…
And I thought I was free…to make decisions, changes, adjustments…to know that I had some control over the direction of my life and the lives of my children…

“But my life was a lie…
I wasn’t free…I didn’t have control…and the worst part is…I didn’t even realize it…until it was far too late to stop it from affecting the course of what would happen next…

“There came a day when I finally had a moment of enlightenment…

“All at once, I had a realization that the man I had chosen to share the last 7 years of my life with…
The man I had believed loved me…and my children…
The person I thought I was helping to find peace in his own mind and heart…
I finally saw what I had been missing…what so many others had seen…but I had been so afraid to face…that I had been so wrong…

“I had thought that love and patience could help someone heal…
That giving stability and unconditional love would result in a peaceful outcome for all of us…
I had thought that I couldn’t let him down…or I would have failed…him…myself…my children…

“People often say they can’t understand how someone stays with an abusive person…
The reality is that even though I did, I don’t think I will EVER be able to find the words to explain the complexity of that relationship…or the level of coersion that exists in a co-dependent relationship of that intensity…

“All I know…is I was trapped…and there was a moment, when I finally realized this…
So I did what any logical adult would do, once they realize that their unhealthy relationship will NEVER work…
I told him I didn’t want to see him anymore…that I wanted to move on…so we could all find happiness…
And I thought it would end…

“I knew it wouldn’t be easy…I wasn’t naive…I had been through 7 years of abuse and conflict with this man, so I wasn’t under the impression it would go over smoothly…
But I had no idea just how broken some people are…and what happens when you remove the one thing in their life that they BELIEVE they need to continue to exist and function…
I couldn’t have known how much his world depended on me…or how he would react when I took myself away from him…

“Stalking is like nothing you can understand, unless you’ve been there…
Years later…I still find myself wondering if I will see him somewhere…
Or if someone we both know will make the mistake of mentioning me in random conversation…
And what that reminder of my existence…and consequentially, my rejection of him…might bring up in his unstable mind…

“There are many who think I overreacted to his threats and controlling behavior after I left…
I had never shared the lengths to which he went to abuse me during our relationship…
Why would I? I wasn’t proud of it…and I couldn’t explain how I was able to rationalize remaining in a relationship with him…

“It wasn’t simply fear…it wasn’t simply love…it wasn’t simple…that’s the whole point…
How can you tell others when you can’t even figure it out for yourself?
But perhaps the MOST important question for me is…WHY? Why do I have to explain it to anyone?

“I can understand why my children need to understand as much as they can, so they can move past their own fears, anger, frustration about having to leave, about why I didn’t protect them more, about why this happened to them and not to someone else’s kids…
I owe them…not really an explanation…but I owe them the respect and opportunity to talk about how they feel about what happened and how they feel I failed them…

“It’s not easy to listen to…in fact, knowing that I have hurt them by remaining in that unhealthy environment for so long…THAT is by far the hardest part of this whole process…the most difficult to accept and move past…
But I am getting there…I no longer feel the guilt I used to…I know that I left because I had to…and that it wouldn’t have mattered if I left before I did or not…it was his twisted idea about what I was to him that made it impossible for us to stay…dangerous for him to have any access to us at all…
I didn’t make him a stalker…I didn’t make him abuse me…I didn’t mean to let him take me away from my children, because I thought keeping him happy would keep them safe…
I am not responsible for what he did…but I am responsible for helping my children understand, cope and move on from the devastating impact he had on our lives…

“Throughout this whole experience, I have gotten to know this “new” me…
Who really is the “old” me…the person I lost over the years…
Some of that happened from other abusive relationships in my life, prior to meeting my stalker…
Some of that happened in my own childhood…
But it doesn’t really matter where it started or how it happened…
I was lost…and in some ways, I am still trying to find my way back…
To me…

“Starting over…being so far from everyone I knew or loved…
Leaving behind my dream job…
Letting go of people that I had hoped to know and love for the rest of my life…
Watching my children suffer and struggle with so much pain and loss…
This has been THE MOST DIFFICULT experience of my life…
In all honesty, it would have killed some…and destroyed forever others…
But I have refused to let that happen to me…
Or to my girls…

“I am in transition again…
I am coming out of hiding…
I am tired of letting him influence the direction of my life…
I am putting myself out there for anyone to see…
I know that means he can find me…
I know that might bring back some of the craziness of before…
BUT I WILL NOT LET HIM DESTROY ME!

“I want to be free!
I want my life back…
Fighting demons in your mind is almost harder than fighting something real, right in front of you…
People don’t know why you seem so lost…
I don’t want people to feel sorry for me…
I just want them to understand…that I’m not okay right now…but it’s okay that I’m not okay…
It’s part of what I have to go through…to come out on the other side…
I just need to know that the people that really matter are there…
And if I don’t have enough people in my life that matter…then I need to find some…
Because I deserve to be loved and cared for…
That’s what I give to the people in my life…
And that’s what I deserve to have in my life also…

“Maybe I never believed I deserved that before…
Maybe that had a LOT to do with why I didn’t treat myself with more respect and care in the past…
But I believe that now…
And I am never going back to being locked inside someone else’s cage…
EVER…
This is my life…and I am going to live it…and I am not going to let him haunt me and force me to hide forever…

“I have a voice now…and I am NOT afraid to use it…
I’m back…I’m better…and I am going to keep getting better…

“I have forgiven myself…I can let it go now…I don’t have hide anymore…
The real “me” was in here…all along…just waiting to be ready to find me again…
There is no shame in surviving!”

“I have found tremendous value in working with survivors. Together we can continue to improve the delivery of services to combat domestic violence.”