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Isabel's Story
There is a stereotype that domestic violence occurs only in low-income, poorly educated, minority, or "dysfunctional" families. The fact is, domestic violence occurs in every community, among people of every age, religion and race, sexual orientation, and at every economic level.
Here is my story… Five years ago, one week before my thirtieth birthday, I was living in a desirable neighborhood in New York City. I had a high-ranking position working for the State of New York. I had experienced physical and emotional abuse from my husband over the course of three years. There were risk factors early on in the relationship including:
• A push for quick
involvement.
• Jealousy.
• Controlling behavior.
• Unrealistic expectations.
• Isolation.
• Blaming others for problems.
• Making others responsible for his feelings.
• Hypersensitivity.
• Cruelty to animals.
• Verbal abuse.
• Rigid sex roles.
• Sudden mood swings.
• Threats of violence.
The violence was not an isolated, individual event. One battering episode built upon past episodes and set the stage for future ones. There were a wide range of consequences, some physically injurious and some not; all were painful, especially the emotional abuse and humiliation.
What were my motives for
staying?
A better question to ask is why did my ex husband keep abusing me and
why didn't my neighbors call the police when they heard my cries?
Some of my reasons for staying as long as I did…
• Fear that he would not be able to survive alone or would commit suicide.• Social pressure and guilt about failure of my marriage.
• Social stigma that this should not be happening to me and fear that I would be blamed.
• Belief that he would change (after the battering occurred, he would deny the violence, make excuses for the behavior, or apologize and promise not to do it again).
• Fear that he would stalk me and kill me if I left him.
Why did I leave?
My decision to leave was a process, not an event. In the months before
I left, I called the police many times and hung up out of fear that they
would arrest my ex husband on a short-term basis and that he would return
to my home and hurt me even more. The night I left, my sister witnessed
the violence, which gave me confidence that I had a witness who would
believe me and support me in getting free. Although batterers cross many
boundaries, there is usually a final straw that pushes women into action.
As suggested in When Men Batter Women, by Neil Jacobson and John Gottman,
most women will eventually leave. "Those who stay, hoping that the violence
and emotional abuse will stop, are usually disappointed. Once women realize
that the relationship won't change, they eventually begin the process
of escape." I learned the hard way that my mother's words on the eve of
my wedding night that "men don't change" were true in this case. If I
could do it all over again, I would have recognized the risk factors early
on and left him after the first boundary that he crossed.
Once I left, the universe seemed to be behind my decision. Friends and family housed me and nurtured me. Within four weeks, I got a great job in Vermont. I relocated and received support from WHBW: hotline, support group, legal assistance and counseling. Since then, I completed my Ph.D. while working, met a new, gentle man, and am a dedicated volunteer with Women Helping Battered Women.
If you recognize yourself in my story, please do no wait. Get help and know that, with help and support, you can stop the abuse!
