How To Help a Friend in an Abusive Relationship
Help your friend recognize the abuse.
Point out the different types of abuse in dating relationships. Tell her how abuse happens and hurts more over time.
Express your concerns.
Tell your friend you are glad she confided in you. Let her know you are sorry this is happening to her. You can never say the following phrases too much:
• I'm worried about you.
• It's not your fault.
• You deserve better.
• I'm here for you.
• I'm glad you confided in me.
Support your friend's strength.
Point out how your friend is able to take care of herself. Encourage your friend to spend time with others and to take time away from the relationship.
Be accepting.
Tell your friend you are worried about her safety. Let your friend know you are there for her, and mean it. Don't become upset if your friend is not ready to break off the relationship yet. Try to see that your friend is dealing with some difficult emotions - love and security from a partner - and fear from the abuse. If your friend wants to stay in the relationship, or keeps returning to the abusive partner, hold back from telling her that she is wrong. Help your friend see she is not to blame for the violence and that changing her behavior will not stop the abuse. Help your friend recognize the abuser's excuses for being violent.
Work on a Safety Plan.
Help your friend think of ways to be safe. Look at patterns in the abuser's behavior to figure out when the abuser is explosive or violent. Help your friend decide how and where she would go if she had to leave home quickly. Offer to walk or ride with her to school or work or invite her to spend the night at your house. Find local resources that can offer additional support.
Be there, listen, and stay there.
You may feel like a broken record, that your friend is not really listening. Keep supporting your friend. By avoiding blame, she will know you are standing beside her. When she is ready to end the relationship, continue to be supportive and try to get her involved in activities. It takes a while to get over any relationship, even one that is violent. Help your friend resist the pressure to get back together.
Reach out for help.
Call area resources for ideas on how to help your friend. Crisis lines are available 24 hours a day and you don't have to give your name.
Keep educating yourself on domestic/dating violence.
Coping with Dating Violence by Nancy Rue, Next Time She'll Be Dead: Battering and How to Stop It by Ann Jones and Getting Free by Ginny NiCarthy are some of the many good resource books about violence in relationships. Check your local library or domestic violence program to borrow these or other materials. WHBW has a library located in our administrative offices which are open to the public. Please call us at 802/658-3131 if you are interested in loaning a book or video about domestic violence.
If you are frightened or frustrated, get support for yourself. Remember, you can't rescue or solve all of your friend's problems.
Point out the different types of abuse in dating relationships. Tell her how abuse happens and hurts more over time.
Express your concerns.
Tell your friend you are glad she confided in you. Let her know you are sorry this is happening to her. You can never say the following phrases too much:
• I'm worried about you.
• It's not your fault.
• You deserve better.
• I'm here for you.
• I'm glad you confided in me.
Support your friend's strength.
Point out how your friend is able to take care of herself. Encourage your friend to spend time with others and to take time away from the relationship.
Be accepting.
Tell your friend you are worried about her safety. Let your friend know you are there for her, and mean it. Don't become upset if your friend is not ready to break off the relationship yet. Try to see that your friend is dealing with some difficult emotions - love and security from a partner - and fear from the abuse. If your friend wants to stay in the relationship, or keeps returning to the abusive partner, hold back from telling her that she is wrong. Help your friend see she is not to blame for the violence and that changing her behavior will not stop the abuse. Help your friend recognize the abuser's excuses for being violent.
Work on a Safety Plan.
Help your friend think of ways to be safe. Look at patterns in the abuser's behavior to figure out when the abuser is explosive or violent. Help your friend decide how and where she would go if she had to leave home quickly. Offer to walk or ride with her to school or work or invite her to spend the night at your house. Find local resources that can offer additional support.
Be there, listen, and stay there.
You may feel like a broken record, that your friend is not really listening. Keep supporting your friend. By avoiding blame, she will know you are standing beside her. When she is ready to end the relationship, continue to be supportive and try to get her involved in activities. It takes a while to get over any relationship, even one that is violent. Help your friend resist the pressure to get back together.
Reach out for help.
Call area resources for ideas on how to help your friend. Crisis lines are available 24 hours a day and you don't have to give your name.
Keep educating yourself on domestic/dating violence.
Coping with Dating Violence by Nancy Rue, Next Time She'll Be Dead: Battering and How to Stop It by Ann Jones and Getting Free by Ginny NiCarthy are some of the many good resource books about violence in relationships. Check your local library or domestic violence program to borrow these or other materials. WHBW has a library located in our administrative offices which are open to the public. Please call us at 802/658-3131 if you are interested in loaning a book or video about domestic violence.
If you are frightened or frustrated, get support for yourself. Remember, you can't rescue or solve all of your friend's problems.
According to a 2000 UNICEF study 20 - 50% of the female population of the world will become victims of domestic violence
Hotline: 802-658-1996
TDD: 658-1996
1-800-ABUSE95 Domestic Violence Emergency Hotline
Toll Free from anywhere in Vermont
