How to get Help

Are you in an Abusive Relationship? Does your Partner…

• Stop you from talking to or seeing family or friends?
• Embarrass you with bad names and put-downs?
• Look at you or act in ways that scare you?
• Treat you roughly, grab you, shove you, push you?
• Control what you do, who you see or talk to, or where you go?
• Stop you from seeing or talking to friends and family?
• Prevent you from getting or keeping a job? • Take your money, make you ask for money or refuse to give you money?
• Make all the decisions?
• Prevent you from leaving after a fight?
• Tell you you're a bad mother or threaten to take away your children?
• Act like abuse is no big deal, it's your fault, or even deny he did it?
• Destroy your property?
• Intimidate you with guns, knives, or other weapons?
• Force you into sexual acts that you don’t enjoy?
• Threaten you with words or weapons?
• Shove you, slap you, or hit you?
• Use violence against or threaten to hurt pets or things you care about?
• Threaten to kill himself?
• Threaten to kill you?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, you may be in an abusive relationship. Women Helping Battered Women Can Help… For immediate help call our HOTLINE at 802/658-1996 or call the Vermont Domestic Violence hotline at 1-800-ABUSE95. Both lines are open 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

The Hotline worker will be able to:

• Listen and give you emotional support in complete confidentiality
• Provide you with information and referrals to resources available to you at WHBW and throughout the community
• Provide you with information about protection orders or refer you for legal assistance

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How To Help a Friend in an Abusive Relationship

Help your friend recognize the abuse.
Point out the different types of abuse in dating relationships. Tell her how abuse happens and hurts more over time.

Express your concerns.
Tell your friend you are glad she confided in you. Let her know you are sorry this is happening to her. You can never say the following phrases too much:
• I'm worried about you.
• It's not your fault.
• You deserve better.
• I'm here for you.
• I'm glad you confided in me.

Support your friend's strength.
Point out how your friend is able to take care of herself. Encourage your friend to spend time with others and to take time away from the relationship.

Be accepting.
Tell your friend you are worried about her safety. Let your friend know you are there for her, and mean it. Don't become upset if your friend is not ready to break off the relationship yet. Try to see that your friend is dealing with some difficult emotions - love and security from a partner - and fear from the abuse. If your friend wants to stay in the relationship, or keeps returning to the abusive partner, hold back from telling her that she is wrong. Help your friend see she is not to blame for the violence and that changing her behavior will not stop the abuse. Help your friend recognize the abuser's excuses for being violent.

Work on a Safety Plan.
Help your friend think of ways to be safe. Look at patterns in the abuser's behavior to figure out when the abuser is explosive or violent. Help your friend decide how and where she would go if she had to leave home quickly. Offer to walk or ride with her to school or work or invite her to spend the night at your house. Find local resources that can offer additional support.

Be there, listen, and stay there.
You may feel like a broken record, that your friend is not really listening. Keep supporting your friend. By avoiding blame, she will know you are standing beside her. When she is ready to end the relationship, continue to be supportive and try to get her involved in activities. It takes a while to get over any relationship, even one that is violent. Help your friend resist the pressure to get back together.

Reach out for help.
Call area resources for ideas on how to help your friend. Crisis lines are available 24 hours a day and you don't have to give your name.

Keep educating yourself on domestic/dating violence.
Coping with Dating Violence by Nancy Rue, Next Time She'll Be Dead: Battering and How to Stop It by Ann Jones and Getting Free by Ginny NiCarthy are some of the many good resource books about violence in relationships. Check your local library or domestic violence program to borrow these or other materials. WHBW has a library located in our administrative offices which are open to the public. Please call us at 802/658-3131 if you are interested in loaning a book or video about domestic violence.

If you are frightened or frustrated, get support for yourself. Remember, you can't rescue or solve all of your friend's problems.

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Support Groups

WHBW offers weekly support groups for women seeking emotional support and information. They are usually held on weekday evenings and free childcare is offered. For specific days and times or for more information on support groups, call our Hotline at 1/802/658-1996.

Legal Options in Vermont

Assault is a crime!
Assault is a crime even if your husband, partner or boyfriend is the person abusing you or your children. Threats of harm, damage to property, stalking and harassment are also crimes.

What are your legal options?
Your local police are there to protect and serve you. You can call the police anytime your safety is in danger. The police will take steps to ensure your protection and help you contact other agencies.

After arriving on the scene and insuring your safety, the police will initiate criminal charges if they believe domestic assault took place. You will not need to press charges. The police will make that determination.

Court Orders
Regardless of police involvement, you may be able to obtain a Relief from Abuse Order (RAO), which is similar to a restraining order. You may request certain conditions to be outlined within the order, which are then subject to court approval. For example, you may request that your abuser leave the home and remain 100 feet away from you and your family at all times. You can also request temporary custody of your children. An RAO will only be granted if your abuser is your spouse or partner, a member of your family or someone with whom you are in a dating relationship. Here is some key information about obtaining an RAO:

1. RAO's can be obtained without a lawyer and are free.
2. You can seek a Temporary Relief from Abuse Order (TRA) that may be granted immediately by applying at the Family Court, 32 Cherry St., in Burlington, Monday through Friday, 8 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. After 4:30 and on the weekends, an emergency TRA can be obtained at the local police department.
3. Upon receiving a TRA, a Permanent Relief from Abuse Order (PRA) hearing at Family Court will be scheduled within 10 days.

WHBW offers free advocacy and support to women seeking a protection order. We strongly encourage you to call our hotline for a completely confidential discussion of your circumstances. Every situation is unique and we can help you prepare for the court process. In addition, a WHBW advocate can be present at Family Court and for PRA hearings.

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