The Stages of Breaking Away

Women who break away from violent partners often pass through similar stages. Each stage may repeat or emerge independently, and a woman´s experience of breaking away will vary according to the batterer´s tactics, her own resources and history, and the length of the relationship.

"Still Running Scared" Stage
When a woman first leaves a battering situation, she may have strong feelings that the abuser is all powerful and that the world is unsafe. She may constantly look over her shoulder or out the window and jump if the telephone rings or panic at the sound of the doorbell. This reaction will eventually pass.

"Can I Be Loved?" Stage
This may be the most critical stage. Feelings of loneliness, isolation, and grief begin to emerge. The woman may feel very emotionally needy. Perhaps for the first time in years there is no immediate crisis to divert feelings, and she has to decide whether it is worth it to stay away from her partner. It is important for women at this stage to get a lot of support from friends who can re-affirm her sense of self worth.

"Can I Really Do It?" Stage
This is when the woman acts on her decisions. She prepares to get on with her life. She will question whether she can really succeed in taking care of herself and her children. Good resource information through a hotline or shelter can help a woman navigate the confusing maze of social services, housing and legal needs that she may have.

Passing the Crisis and Moving On
The woman has been independent of the batterer for some time, and she defines herself in terms of her strengths. She has made it and feels good about herself. In order to underscore her achievements at recreating her life, she can help herself at the same time she helps others. Formerly battered women are essential to support groups as facilitators, to hotlines as listeners, to shelters as advocates, and to our movement for leadership and renewed strength.