Important Information about Domestic Violence

To reflect the fact that at least 95% of all cases reported to police or domestic violence hotlines involve heterosexual men battering heterosexual women, this website will use the male pronoun "he" for the batterer and the female pronoun "she" for the victim/survivor. This does not mean that women cannot batter men or other women, or that men cannot batter their male intimate partners.

What is Domestic Violence?

• Battering is a pattern of behavior used by someone to establish and maintain power and control over an adult intimate partner and/or family member.
• Battering is never an isolated incident. Abusers use a series of
  tactics to hold power and control over their victims.
  
  

The power and control wheel is a general guide to these tactics. These tactics are strategies, not sudden flashes of uncontrollable anger. It is important to understand that people who abuse choose to be violent.

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The Power and Control Wheel

Using isolation. One of the most effective ways to begin to overpower another person is to keep her from having contact with others. By systematically severing her relationships with family, friends, and co-workers, the batterer insures that his victim has little support. He becomes her only point of reference, thereby defining and controlling her world. Batterers can isolate their partners in a variety of ways, from excessive jealousy to restricting their access to education and jobs or controlling where they go or with whom they spend their time. For women with disabilities, lesbians, older women, immigrant women, or others who are marginalized by mainstream society, isolation takes on an increased potency.

Minimizing, denying, and blaming. Batterers often minimize or deny the abuse, or they blame their partners for provoking it. He may minimize the severity of her injuries, or outright deny that he caused them. Unfortunately, "victim-blaming" is prevalent in our society. Sometimes abusers play mind games with their victims trying to make them feel crazy. Often violent behavior towards women is justified by saying things like "she asked for it" or "she needed to be put back in her place." In so doing, the blame and accountability shifts from the abusive behavior of the batterer to the "weakness" of the victim.

Using children. Using children is yet another way that a batterer can instill feelings of guilt and incompetence in his partner, making her feel like a "bad" mother. Some batterers will force children to turn against their mothers, or will threaten to take the children away if the victim were to try to leave. There is also evidence that in homes where there is abuse towards the mother, there is an increased likelihood of abuse towards the children. Girls whose fathers batter their mothers are 6.5 times more likely to be sexually assaulted by their fathers than are girls from non-violent homes.

Using male privilege. In our patriarchal society, men are often raised to believe that they have been given the right to be dominating and aggressive. Being "tough" and "in charge" are accepted and expected as part of one´s manhood. It is all too often the case that batterers use this gender imbalance as a justification for violent or controlling behavior.

Using economic abuse. By controlling and limiting a woman´s access to financial means, a batterer can assure that his victim will have limited resources if she has thoughts of leaving. She may have to turn over her paycheck, leave her job, or account for every penny spent. Too often women have to choose between staying in an abusive relationship or being thrust into economic ruin or poverty.

Using coercion and threats. Threats are used to control by creating intense fear that can paralyze the victim's ability to act or keep herself constantly on guard in an effort to protect our lives or well-being. Some common threats are suicide, threats to kill her or the children, threats to damage property, etc. The victim may also be coerced into acting in ways that contradict her values, such as prostitution or fraud.

Using intimidation. Abusers will often commit terrifying acts in order to keep their partner in a state of continuous fear. This may include smashing things, killing pets, harassing friends and family, setting fires, driving recklessly, suicide and homicide. Intimidation periodically reinforced with assault, makes violence a daily part of the victim´s reality and, therefore, makes her easier to control.

Using emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is the most common form of control and can often exist in relationships where there is not physical battering. This includes put-downs, insults to the victim´s intelligence and abilities, name-calling, etc. In so doing, the batterer systematically breaks her spirit and self-esteem. She may begin to feel as if the abuse is her fault or that she must deserve it.

These forms of abuse are used in multiple combinations. Constant violence and criticism leaves women uncertain, humiliated, and much easier to control.

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Myths about Battered Women

Myth: Battered women are masochistic.
It is often believed that if a woman chooses to stay in an abusive relationship, then she must enjoy the abuse in some way. This rationale, while entirely false, is often used to place the blame on the victim in an attempt to change her.

Myth: Battered women are crazy.
Victims of abuse find many different ways to cope with the terror that they face on a daily basis. To some, these coping strategies may seem irrational or "crazy". For example, some victims may become withdrawn or have problems with anxiety. Many times our society attempts to "pathologize" away the plight of domestic violence victims, rationalizing their behavior as a sign of mental illness.

Myth: Battered women are poor and uneducated.
Battered women come from all socio-economic levels. It can happen to you regardless of how wealthy or educated you are. It can happen regardless of age, race, religion, or sexual orientation.

Myth: Battered women can always leave.
There are many barriers that prevent women from leaving abusive relationships: money, children, fear, and social expectations are just a few of them.

Why is it so Hard for Women to Leave?

Women stay in abusive relationships for a multitude of reasons. Here are some of the common reasons why women may become trapped in abusive relationships:

• Abuse causes isolation.... no support systems, friends, or family
• Limited consequences (no jail time) for the batterer
• Self-blame, low self-esteem
• No economic resources
• No financial support
• Children
• Religion
• Social expectations
• Denial and minimization
• Fear of escalated violence
• No arrest, or the police will not intervene
• Abuser promises to change
• History of child abuse or witnessing abuse as a child may lead to an expectation that abuse is normal in adult relationships.

It is important to remember that most women eventually do leave ... and that leaving is sometimes the most dangerous time for many women. For some women leaving also does not necessarily end the abuse.

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The Stages of Breaking Away

Women who break away from violent partners often pass through similar stages. Each stage may repeat or emerge independently, and a woman´s experience of breaking away will vary according to the batterer´s tactics, her own resources and history, and the length of the relationship.

"Still Running Scared" Stage
When a woman first leaves a battering situation, she may have strong feelings that the abuser is all powerful and that the world is unsafe. She may constantly look over her shoulder or out the window and jump if the telephone rings or panic at the sound of the doorbell. This reaction will eventually pass.

"Can I Be Loved?" Stage
This may be the most critical stage. Feelings of loneliness, isolation, and grief begin to emerge. The woman may feel very emotionally needy. Perhaps for the first time in years there is no immediate crisis to divert feelings, and she has to decide whether it is worth it to stay away from her partner. It is important for women at this stage to get a lot of support from friends who can re-affirm her sense of self worth.

"Can I Really Do It?" Stage
This is when the woman acts on her decisions. She prepares to get on with her life. She will question whether she can really succeed in taking care of herself and her children. Good resource information through a hotline or shelter can help a woman navigate the confusing maze of social services, housing and legal needs that she may have.

Passing the Crisis and Moving On
The woman has been independent of the batterer for some time, and she defines herself in terms of her strengths. She has made it and feels good about herself. In order to underscore her achievements at recreating her life, she can help herself at the same time she helps others. Formerly battered women are essential to support groups as facilitators, to hotlines as listeners, to shelters as advocates, and to our movement for leadership and renewed strength.

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Children and Domestic Violence

Children who witness domestic violence have their own issues and needs specific to their situation. The effect of witnessing violence depends on a variety of factors such as the child´s age, gender, and race, the duration and severity of the violence, the presence of substance abuse, the parent-child relationships, and whether the child was a direct victim of violence. Children may experience physical, behavioral, cognitive, and/or social problems due to living within a violent environment.

Physical and Emotional Effects
• Headaches, asthma, intestinal difficulties, ulcers, eczema, diarrhea or sleep difficulties including nightmares and bed-wetting
• Actual physical abuse resulting in broken bones, bruises, sprains, and lacerations
• Feelings of separation and loss, anger, emotional pain, fear, anxiety, guilt or confusion

Behavioral Effects
• Difficulties in identifying and expressing feelings in appropriate ways
• Withdrawn or passive, depression, anxiety
• Aggressive and destructive behaviors
• Difficulty trusting, difficulty with intimate relationships
• Isolated from family members and community
• Excessive crying, dependency, impulsivity tantrums, self-mutilation
• Mis-diagnosis of ADHD

Cognitive and Social Effects
• Violence becomes a means to solving problems
• Insensitivity to others
• Affects school success: truancy, poor performance, fatigue, school phobias

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Teen Dating Violence

Abusive partners use the same strategies in teen relationships as are used in adult situations. Here is a partial list of some of the early warning signs of teen dating violence:
• You see her partner put her down or call her names in front of other people.
• He acts extremely jealous when she talks to other boys, even when it is completely innocent.
• She apologizes for his behavior and makes excuses for him.
• She frequently cancels plans at the last minute, for reasons that sound untrue.
• He is always checking up on her, calling or paging her, and demanding to know where she has been and whom she has been with.
• He loses his temper, maybe even breaking or hitting things when he is mad.
• She seems worried about upsetting him or making him angry.
• She is giving up things that used to be important to her, such as spending time with friends or other activities, and is becoming more and more isolated.
• Her weight, appearance, or grades have changed dramatically.
• She has injuries she can´t explain, or the explanations she gives don´t make sense.

If you or someone you know is experiencing teen dating violence, call our hotline at 658-1996 or 1-800-ABUSE95. Remember that abuse is never the victim´s fault.

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What you can do to End Violence Against Women in Your Community

• Call the police when you see or hear someone being assaulted. You could be saving someone´s life.
• Call your local domestic violence agency and offer to volunteer (in shelters, on hotlines, in court, or with children´s programs, on committees, fundraising and outreach) or make a donation.
• Educate yourself about violence against women as a human rights issue. Understand violence from a broader, socio-political perspective, and its connection to other forms of oppression such as racism, heterosexism, and classicism.
• Invite Women Helping Battered Women to your class, civic group, workplace or faith community. We offer a range of workshops (for all ages) that can be tailored to your group´s needs.
• Dedicate two hours each month to writing letters to the editor, political officials, police chiefs, prosecutors, judges, and public defenders about violence issues.
• Encourage your local school to teach gender equity and violence prevention.
• Supervise what your children watch on TV and at the movies.
• Advocate for non-violent shows.
• Purge your speech of violent images ("I am going to kill you").
• Don´t participate in sexist jokes.
• Don´t blame the victim. Ask why he batters, not why she stays.
• During political campaigns, ask the candidate what specific actions they will take to end violence against women.
• Offer support to victims of domestic violence by telling them: "No one deserves to be abused." Stress her positive attributes and her strengths.
• Take domestic violence seriously.

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Diversity and Domestic Violence

We know that domestic violence does not discriminate. It can happen to anyone regardless of race, gender, religion, socio-economic level, or sexual orientation. However, when a victim experiences further oppression from society as a whole (i.e. racial discrimination or homophobia) it makes it even more difficult to break the cycle of violence.

Same-Sex Relationships
Besides the tactics discussed in the power and control wheel, there are other ways that the same-sex partners may control one another. For example, it is common that the abuser will threaten to "out" his/her partner to their family or community if they expose the abuse. This fear of "outing" may also discourage the victim from calling the police. The abuser may reinforce the misconception that domestic violence laws will not apply to "them" and that no one will believe them due to their sexual orientation. WHBW welcomes calls from gay or lesbian survivors.

Women Who Are Immigrants and Battered
Battered immigrant women are some of the most marginalized people in our society. Despite the provisions in the Violence Against Women Act, women who are undocumented still have very few rights under the legal system and may risk deportation if they expose abuse. They may also experience racial discrimination, cultural insensitivity, and anti-immigration sentiment when they ask for help. They may not want to use law enforcement for fear of racial profiling. It may also be unacceptable to "air dirty laundry" within their community. Finally, an abusive partner can use all of these societal factors to threaten the victim if she attempts to seek help. WHBW can assist women from all cultures and backgrounds regardless of immigrant status and can explore their options with them confidentially.

People with Disabilities
A woman who is disabled is even more likely to be battered than an able-bodied woman. Often the abused is at the hands of a caretaker on whom the victim may depend for basic needs such as food and transportation. Women with disabilities are becoming more aware of their rights, and in increasing numbers, are seeking to escape violence. All of WHBW´s services are accessible to individuals with disabilities.

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If You Know a Batterer

What is Battering?
Battering is a pattern of behavior used by someone to establish and maintain power and control over an adult intimate partner and/or family member. Battering is never an isolated incident. Abusers use a series of tactics to hold power and control over their victims. These tactics include:
• Economic abuse.
• Emotional abuse.
• Intimidation.
• Coercion and sexual violence.

What can you do if the batterer is your friend, relative, or co-worker?
Typically, it has seemed unthinkable that observers would say or do anything about domestic violence. Saying and doing something to challenge a batterer feels hard, but it is what a friend would do. You can challenge him because you care about and respect her. You can challenge him because you care about and want to respect him.

What you can say to him --
I notice that you:
• Interrupt her.
• Criticize her family, looks, job, parenting skills, etc.,
• Yell at and intimidate her.

Explain how this affects you:
• I´m surprised that you would use that language.
• That concerns me very much.
• It is hard to respect you when you behave like this.

Name the abuse:
• No one deserves to be abused for any reason.
• There is no excuse for battering!
• Offer resources: The Domestic Abuse Education Project (DAEP) 802/864-7423 offers groups for men who batter.

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What you can say to a survivor --
Remember: The man who batters is the problem. It is not her responsibility to stop the violence.

You can say:
• I am very sorry that this is happening to you
• I believe you
• No one deserves to be abused
• It is not your fault!
• I am concerned about your safety.

You can:
• Give her information about services such as Women Helping Battered Women.
• Listen to her, emphasize her strengths as a survivor.
• Call WHBW's hotline in order to get support and information for yourself as a friend.
• Do not expect a quick and easy remedy. Domestic violence is a complex issue.

Remember to respect her decisions. She is the expert on her situation!

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